Writing this isn't easy... To think about sharing this to the world, not just close friends and family is a little nerve racking. But at the same time I have to understand that this is normal and although it's very infrequently talked about... more common than you think.
1 in 8. That is the national statistic for infertility. I am 1 in 8. Now what exactly is infertility? How do we know that we have it?
Infertility is defined as a disease characterized by the failure to establish a clinical pregnancy after 12 months of regular, unprotected intercourse.
We really didn't think we had a problem until I was sick one day and at the ER was told I had to see my Gyno for an Ovarian Cyst. At the Gyno's office, my amazing gynecologist looked at the cyst information from the ER and said he would recommend a surgeon who could remove that. Then he began to ask normal questions.
He asked if we were trying to have a kid. We said yeah, not really super hard, but not avoiding it either. He needed clarification.. "either you are or your not. Are you using protection?" We said no. "No pill, no condom, pulling out??" No nothing. "For how long?" he asked. For a year and a half. "There's something wrong here then."
And just like that, answering those basic questions (which at the moment made us laugh a bit) our doctor knew. He sent me to a specialist, who not only was going to take care of my cyst, but was a well renowned infertility doctor. Kill 2 birds with one stone.
We met with Dr. Eisermann and he was very straight up with us. Let's get that cyst out, look at your lady parts while we're in there and go from there. He did just that. Surgery went well, tubes were cleaned and flushed, although they looked great. Everything looked fine. Now it was time to see why we weren't getting pregnant since that part was cleared up.
We did blood work upon blood work. Genetic testing, ovarian scans for me, sperm check for him. After everything we sat down with Dr. Eisermann and he gave it to us straight.
I suffer from low Ovarian Reserve count (which means I have less "good eggs" left in my system... I like to say I have the ovaries of a women about to go into menopause), while Alejandro was ok in motility and speed but not quantity. So instead of jumping straight in to IVF, our doctor believed we were good candidates for IUI and that we should try that out first.
So what is the difference between the two? IUI is Intrauterine Insemination, where as IVF is In vitro Fertilization. Basically one is done inside you, the other outside you (if that makes sense).
IUI may be less invasive that IVF, and not your commonly known "test-tube baby", but it still has all the stress.
We did three rounds of IUI. Each time I was taking pills and shots to stimulate my ovaries and hyper produce eggs. Alejandro was taking meds to help stimulate his guys too. When ovulation time came around Alejandro was asked for his sample at the office. It had to be cleaned and checked, and then administered to me with a very long plastic needle looking thing. As Dr. Eisermann once told us, IUI was putting Alejandro's soldiers in the front lines!
Every IUI was a rollercoaster of emotions. The first time around... getting used to injecting your belly every day. The highs and the lows of feeling hopeful yet inadequate. The nerves when you went in for the procedure... praying on that table for those 10 minutes you laid there that it would stick. That it would work. The two week wait, slowly driving you insane... looking for any little sign in your body that maybe yes, this could be it. The crushing reality when it didn't work. Hating yourself, and your body. Cursing and crying in Alejandro's arms asking why my body couldn't do what it was naturally supposed to do. It was hard. At certain points my hope wasn't the highest.
By the last time we tried IUI... I went in with a positive outlook. This time it would work. I was sure of it. We both were. The day we went in to do our procedure, I got a call from my mom that my cousin announced at the office that he and his girlfriend were expecting. I was so happy for them, and honestly tried to keep my hopes up as well. I was sure this time it would happen. I didn't let my hopes fall.
We pushed through the procedure and went on to our two week wait to find out if this would be it. Alejandro and I stayed positive. I even woke up one day to find Alejandro pressure cleaning the backyard, and he pressure cleaned a name, the name we had picked for a little girl, on the floor.
I then started noticing my cousin, whom I worked with at the time, acting strange. Reading all the signs I deduced that she was also expecting (which I didn't confirm until later that night), at the same time my two week wait was over, and the blood test came back negative.
The downward spiral began again. I was so happy for my family, as they were growing their families. But I was extremely upset that I could not do it myself. I think the last IUI brought me so down, to the point where I almost gave up hope.
So for my mental health, we decided to stop. No more hormones. No more procedures. We would take some time off from the rollercoaster, and focus on other things. During this break our families grew. We welcomed three nephews into our lives, all of which I adore. I began to take better care of myself, work out with my trainer and transform myself day by day. We took our once in a lifetime dream trip to Tokyo, which everyone knows we had an amazing time.
All the while, infertility and the want to start a family was still on our minds. Even if I tried not to stress about it too much. I always seemed to see a ton of people I knew announcing that they were expecting. The thought of our own infertility was never far behind. After about a year of taking a break we have decided to return to Dr. Eisermann for the next logical step.
Today was the first step of many in this new part of our adventure. I am sure it will have a lot of up's and down's. I will go through a lot of emotions (and hormones). But ultimately we will fight hard for this, because this is something we both want with all of our hearts.
While this journey is something that for many is hard to discuss, I have tried to be as open as possible with those who know me. So I wanted to extend that out to everyone and write about this journey in my blog to let people who are struggling with infertility know they are not alone.
1 in 8 is a statistic, but we are more than that. We are people who want something so bad, we will fight tooth and nail for it. I also write this for those who aren't 1 in 8. So that they know what it's like, so they can walk in our footsteps. If anything, so that they can help others who might be in this situation, and let them know there's more people out there who understand them than they think.
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