It's been a while since we talk about infertility. Especially our infertility journey. I haven't felt like it was the right time to share, with everything going on it the world. I felt that people are going thru worse things than we are, so why share our struggles?
I forgot that I created this space for myself to be able to feel comfortable and let go, share how we feel. I was reminded of that again and thought it was time.
Mother's Day is tomorrow. I will be celebrating the Mom's in my life, surrounding them with the love and attention they deserve. But I can't help but feel deep inside how sad it is that I am still waiting for my own Mother's Day. For the day that I will be celebrated for creating our own little miracle.
Yes, I'll get the breakfast in bed, gifts and well wishes. But most of all it'll mean that I have a baby to call my own that Mother's Day. More than any other thing that day... that is what I want the most.
While I don't display it in my day to day life, I am constantly thinking about the fact that we still haven't gotten pregnant or have a baby of our own.
After our return from Utah, things got serious with COVID-19. Which also meant that our plans for IVF were pushed back even further. To this day I really haven't even gotten the courage to call the doctors office. A part of me doesn't want to acknowledge that we need to push things down further, a part of me is scared for everything we have to do. Honestly, I a part of me just really hates that I have to go thru this at all.
But we need to push forward and keep trying. To achieve our dream, we unfortunately have to bite down and go through a lot more than a couple who doesn't require assistance to get pregnant. While it utterly SUCKS, I cannot imagine a life where I cannot celebrate a Mother's Day of my own.
So today I let it out a little bit. I cried. I let myself get scared and just release some emotions before tomorrow. Because while I may keep on going and celebrating tomorrow... seeming I am having a good time. I am also silently suffering. I am thinking about how much I am missing out on. How much we still need to do.
I am still waiting... our day will come. Just not today.
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